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List I – Mark Twain – Quotes


  1. I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

  2. I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don’t go out with Halley’s Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: ‘Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.’

  3. I can live for two months on a good compliment.

  4. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

  5. I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

  6. I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.

  7. I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

  8. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

  9. I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.

  10. I make it a rule never to smoke while I’m sleeping.

  11. I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

  12. I never let schooling interfere with my education.

  13. I never smoke to excess – that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.

  14. I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

  15. I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

  16. Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.

  17. If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.

  18. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.

  19. If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

  20. If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

  21. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

  22. In ‘Huckleberry Finn,’ I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had.

  23. In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

  24. In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

  25. It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

  26. It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.

  27. It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

  28. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

  29. It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.

  30. It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

  31. It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

  32. It is easier to stay out than get out.

  33. It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.

  34. It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us – dreamers and indolent… It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich – these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it.

  35. It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

  36. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

  37. It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.

  38. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

  39. It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

  40. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

  41. I’ve never let my school interfere with my education.

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